Tips from a Professional Speeder

News flash: The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration may soon begin cracking down on excessive speed with high-tech devices.


Great. I'm about to join Osama bin Laden and meth-lab operators on the Feds' hit list. That's because I'm a professional speeder. At least that's what cops call me. I always exceed the speed limit on highways. And so does virtually everyone else, including cops. Police say you and I are a danger to society and cute little puppies. They dismiss the fact that many humans, including the French, regularly and safely drive 90 to 100 mph (or faster) on limited-access highways. I assert that professional speeders are safer than those with the cruise control set at five over the limit. That's because the speeder has to be as alert as a rabbit living among coyotes to avoid apprehension, while the cruiser is likely snoozing.


Since the full might of the Federal government may soon be brought to bear on you and me, here are some tips to help you avoid apprehension or, at least, mitigate the impact on your license.

Calibrate
Make sure your speedometer is accurate. Speedometers are often optimistic—showing 77 when you're really going 74—and the goal is to go as fast as possible without getting stopped. Also, smaller-than-stock circumference tires will distort that further, while taller-than-original tires will make your speedo pessimistic, showing 77 when you're really doing 82. The latter may be the difference between being ignored by the cops and getting a ticket. I use a GPS unit to calibrate my speedo. You can also use a stopwatch to time yourself between interstate mile makers. Divide the time in seconds into 3600 to get your speed. Since state workers don't place a high priority on erecting the markers exactly one mile apart, compute average speed over several miles to get a true picture.

Identify the Opposition
Develop the skill to recognize a light-bar-equipped cruiser at least a third of a mile away. Learn the differences between Gramps' Crown Victoria and an unmarked car. Know the types of unmarked cars used by departments on the roads you drive. Learn likely ambush spots: In the shade below overpasses is a favorite summertime hiding place.