Tips from a Professional Speeder

News flash: The National Highway Traffic Safety Administration may soon begin cracking down on excessive speed with high-tech devices.


Great. I'm about to join Osama bin Laden and meth-lab operators on the Feds' hit list. That's because I'm a professional speeder. At least that's what cops call me. I always exceed the speed limit on highways. And so does virtually everyone else, including cops. Police say you and I are a danger to society and cute little puppies. They dismiss the fact that many humans, including the French, regularly and safely drive 90 to 100 mph (or faster) on limited-access highways. I assert that professional speeders are safer than those with the cruise control set at five over the limit. That's because the speeder has to be as alert as a rabbit living among coyotes to avoid apprehension, while the cruiser is likely snoozing.


Since the full might of the Federal government may soon be brought to bear on you and me, here are some tips to help you avoid apprehension or, at least, mitigate the impact on your license.

Calibrate
Make sure your speedometer is accurate. Speedometers are often optimistic—showing 77 when you're really going 74—and the goal is to go as fast as possible without getting stopped. Also, smaller-than-stock circumference tires will distort that further, while taller-than-original tires will make your speedo pessimistic, showing 77 when you're really doing 82. The latter may be the difference between being ignored by the cops and getting a ticket. I use a GPS unit to calibrate my speedo. You can also use a stopwatch to time yourself between interstate mile makers. Divide the time in seconds into 3600 to get your speed. Since state workers don't place a high priority on erecting the markers exactly one mile apart, compute average speed over several miles to get a true picture.

Identify the Opposition
Develop the skill to recognize a light-bar-equipped cruiser at least a third of a mile away. Learn the differences between Gramps' Crown Victoria and an unmarked car. Know the types of unmarked cars used by departments on the roads you drive. Learn likely ambush spots: In the shade below overpasses is a favorite summertime hiding place.

Don't Snooze
Following faster cars is a recommended technique, but it doesn't give you immunity from apprehension. Once, I was the lead car when my radar detector went off. I nailed the brakes and the car that had been following me (far too closely!) went flashing by. He got the ticket. If you find yourself in that situation, don't say to the officer: "But the car in the front was going as fast." unless you'd like to hear, "I didn't catch him, I caught you."

Herd Mentality
A stampeding herd of buffalos and drivers on metropolitan freeways from Los Angeles to Atlanta have a lot in common: They incorrectly think there's safety in numbers. But one bullet from Buffalo Bill or blue lights in your mirror will ruin your whole day. I once timed a California Highway Patrol officer between when he radioed "Back in service," after he'd finished writing one ticket to the moment he pulled over another one of the thousands of drivers driving 15 to 25 over the 55 mph limit: It was less than a minute.

Keep Your Eyes Moving
If the driver in the previous item had scanned the on-ramp, he would have spotted—and avoided—the officer. Scan every overpass and transition ramp. As you approach a bridge or underpass, scan the crossing road and both ramps. As you pass under the bridge, check the right side on ramp.

Don't Get Greedy
When the posted limit is 70, you can drive 77 with near-total immunity and 83 with but a small chance of apprehension. Know that some cops won't give you two mph over in a school zone, but will allow 14 (or more) on the freeway.

Learn the Limits
Though it varies according to state and locality, there's a point at which speeding becomes a really big deal. It can be as low as 15 over. The risk/reward equation drops precipitously after that. While 69 in a 55 zone may warrant no more than your average traffic citation, adding a single mph can mean an immediate visit to the magistrate.